Yeah, that’s right. Cashews. They’re like the nutty version of crack (Note: I have no idea what crack’s like as I haven’t and will never try it, I just assume it’s like having a cashew addiction but a shit ton worse). You innocently take a container with some cashews in it to work as a healthy snack (like… 5 a day), and next thing you know you seem to have induced some form of dependence on them.
On the upside, I ate them all today so there’s none left to taunt me tomorrow. I showed you, ya little nutty bastards!
So I was sent my very first reader submitted question this week! I definitely got unreasonably excited about it, and then tried to play it cool, and fail abysmally. Keep them coming, they’re like
crack cashews to me.
What do you think of the book?
Mate. It’s so bloody good. I’ve nearly finished Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson, and have connected with it on a level I really wasn’t expecting to. Although my childhood was relatively normal (obviously excluding ‘broom day’, voluntarily being pushed down a large hill zipped up in a suitcase, walking through the forest to get to school & being best friends with a flying grandfather clock), so many of the tales sound like those from my Mum’s childhood, and I didn’t find them outlandishly strange at all (which may be a sign that what I find normal is a little…. screwy!).
In fact, I found myself saying “Oh yeah, of course he threw a bobcat at him! What a good test of character, I’ll have to keep that in mind for when…” and the like.
My Grandpa (Mum’s Dad) who passed away just a month before I was born was generally the cause of these weird tales that I grew up hearing. One I remember Mum telling me about was when he came home with a sheep called Percy once. They were extremely poor, lived in Thornbury (which is an inner city suburb for those not from Melbourne, but back then they were the only house in the suburb so had a bit of space) and had no desire to keep livestock. I think the plan was to cook it up for the family, but instead, it became his friend and he took it everywhere on a leash. Then one day they had sheep stew and Percy was no longer around. This is the same man who blew up their backyard because his potato vodka distillery exploded and let his 3 daughters paddle around in the flooded tip next door in an old fridge with the door ripped off..
I grew up thinking all of this sounded pretty reasonable, so I now have very little hope that any kids I may spawn will be even remotely normal.
The top 10 things I just randomly learned about cashews when I Googled them for an inordinately long period of time (and can you guess which one isn’t true?)
- They grow out of apples that are used for making jam, juices and an Indian liqueur called feni
- Cashews are actually seeds, not nuts
- Cashews are actually a sentient lifeform
- The shells, composed of the phenolic resin, urushiol, are super poisonous
- Cashews are related to pistachios, mangoes, and poison ivy
- The poisonous shell liquid is used in heaps of industrial uses such as friction linings, paints and resins
- The cashew tree is native to Brazil’s Amazon rain forest. It spread all over the planet by Portuguese explorers
- You should store cashews inside an airtight container in the fridge (not in the cupboard like I do) to stop them turn rancid. Under ideal conditions, fresh nuts should last for 5-6 months
- Its English name derives from the Portuguese name for the fruit of the cashew tree caju, which itself is derived from the Tupian word acajú, literally meaning “nut that produces itself”
- In traditional Maya medicine, the leaves or bark of cashew trees is made into a tea to stop the shits
That’s it for today kiddos! Stay in touch and let me know what’s going on; hearing from you is awesome!
Ya lublu tebe
xx von kita