Medical Centre Review (AKA Cooch Killers)

I actually decided to not write this review in late 2016 when I went to the Medical Centre*, because I thought it was a bit rough of me to have a go at someone online, and that’s not what I’m about. But it just kept popping up in my head what a shocking experience I had, and then it dawned on me – This is my bloody blog and the reason I started it was to help people learn, grow and laugh; this fits into all of those categories. So prepare yourself for what is not only my first negative review of a place, but also my first total overshare (AKA it involves my va jay jay).

I have a great doctor that I’ve been seeing since I was a kid up in the hills (Dr Graeme Smith at The Hills Medical in Olinda if you’re looking for the best doctor in Melbourne!), but travelling all the way up to Olinda for small and insignificant things is too difficult & time consuming (over an hours drive), so I thought I’d find someone a bit closer to me.

I was dead broke that week so thought I’d try out this bulk billing clinic that had good reviews, was quite close by and had late appointments available (so I didn’t have to leave work early). I booked online through Health Engine for an appointment at 8pm, and thought no more of it for the day.

When I got there, parking was easy to get, I was impressed by how new the building was and how polite & professional the receptionist was. I was only waiting for a few minutes before my doctor, Dr A. (kept anonymous for her privacy – I don’t want her copping abuse!), come out to get me.

Now, I won’t go into too much detail as to why I was there, but let’s just say that it was a no pants sort of examination and there was a swab involved. Just general cooch maintenance really. So I sat down (at this point still fully dressed) and straight away I wasn’t entirely pleased with how this was going. Dr A managed to cut me off at every sentence (meaning that I was unable to completely tell her why I was there), mumbled to the point where I genuinely struggled to hear her, and overall had the worst bedside manner I’ve ever encountered. She so clearly wanted this appointment to be done, and I felt so bloody awkward about apparently interrupting her evening.

Now don’t get me wrong; I’m a confident person, but any meeting with a stranger that involves you taking off your pants is nerve-racking, so when she told me to disrobe I did do quickly and went to go lay on the examination bed.

Just as I dacked myself and was nude from the waist down, she decided that that was a good time to ask me to fill out some forms.

Half naked.

Standing at her desk, essentially with my vag at eye level.

So after I finished filling out these forms that apparently couldn’t wait for me to have my pants back on, she mumbled something that sounded like “get on bed”.

I hazarded a guess that I had heard her right, got on the bed and then with absolutely zero small talk she shoved the swab into my cooch (don’t say I didn’t warn you!). I nearly kicked her in the head it hurt so bad because she didn’t quite make it into the desired region. Let’s just say that this innocent little swab had a rather brutal meeting with my urethra. I actually yelled out, and she just mumbled something and then DID THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING AGAIN.

At this point, I was in physical distress and my hands shot down there to stop her from abusing me again. She mumbled something and as I was halfway through sitting up in shock she FINALLY hit her mark, removed the swap and then just turned her rolley chair around to pop the swab in the container.

I was that shocked then I just jumped up, put my pants back on and silently sat on the little chair next to her desk.

The examination was apparently over at this point, because she mumbled something else that sounded remotely like “finished” and gestured to the door without looking at me. I stood up to let myself out of her office.

After that I had a really bad UTI for 3 days and genuinely considered reporting her to the Australian Medical Association. How can a trained medical professional who is also the owner of a vagina not know what the different holes are?! And what if she had to do the same examination to a child? They would be mentally scarred for life!

It’s the sort of situation that I can laugh about now, but it really made think about how much faith and trust we put into professionals and the fact that we should question their opinions and actions more often. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re not totally convinced, question it! 

Sad vagina

 * I have removed the full name of the business as I have initiated correspondence with them, and am pushing for the doctor in question to get more training. I will update you on the outcome of this if possible.

What’s your medical horror story? Feel free to be anonymous when commenting if you’d like.



  1. January 24, 2017 / 7:33 am

    Oh my goodness, you poor thing! I’ve been through some horrible stuff with my own, um, bits lately, but only because the procedures are brutal – not because of bedside manner. Hope you’re not scarred for life! x

    • von kita
      January 24, 2017 / 7:44 am

      You poor thing 🙁
      I feel ya though! I have also been through the wars with tests and whatnot down there, from lasers to cone biopsies, emergency grapefruit sized cyst removals to yearly colposcopies, and I think that was what made it not overly traumatic for me – I’m just so used to the area being ahhhh… tended to by doctors? (Such an odd sentence!)

  2. January 22, 2017 / 2:20 pm

    Wow! OMG! This is horrible. She definitely needs to be reported. I question whether she is even who she says she is. Good Grief! Ugh! I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I love how to re-tell the story with some humor. I recall going to my pediatrician for my first yeast infection and that was frightful enough.

  3. January 21, 2017 / 5:34 pm

    Oh wow! That sounds like terrible examination.
    we put so much trust in medical professionals, it’s really not good enough for her to have acted like that.
    Hope she gets the proper training.

  4. January 20, 2017 / 10:12 am

    To be honest I’ve nearly always found female doctors to be a lot rougher than male doctors! I feel like male doctors are just more careful or sensitive to that area? ???? I’m not sure. Thanks for sharing your story! I think it was completely brave! x

    • von kita
      January 20, 2017 / 12:17 pm

      Jade, you’re such a sweetheart for your message, thank you.
      And I agree completely! My family doctor is a guy, and I trust him completely.

  5. Tight Pants
    January 17, 2017 / 6:30 pm

    Ah I have had so many awkward and uncomfortable moments with medical professionals. Also at a very young age.
    The worst is having communication barriers – not knowing exactly whats happening or what to do, dont need that much detail but being able to understand when its now the time to drop my pants is important.

    Also somewhat humorous looking back but very uncomfy at the time was when I was 16 and getting numerous blood tests on the same day.
    Starting off I got about a 2 minute hand rub from the pathologist because he said I had very cold hands, did not actually have any difficulty finding a vien however.
    I often pass out but am also very tough so after the third blood test for the day told the very old but seemingly harmless pathologist that I was feeling a bit light headed and perhaps needed to lie down and just stick my legs up in the air for a breif moment and then happily continue. He then stood over me as I lay down and actually grabbed the top of my high waisted jeans pulling at them as he said “are you sure you dont want to undo your pants they seem very tight”
    I felt that he was as I said harmless but as a 16 year old teen, did feel uncomfortable and knew what he did was at the very least very unprofessional. And asked Mum to come in for the rest of the blood tests.

    Definitely amusing now
    – still dont understand where the logic that it was my pants being tight not the viles of blood being taken from me that made me feel like fainting. I was innocent and confused.

    • von kita
      January 18, 2017 / 6:11 am

      It’s great that we can look at these things in hindsight and laugh, but isn’t it scary that at the time reporting these messed up situations just doesn’t seem like an option?
      That guy commenting on your pants sounds little a freaking weirdo! As does the hand massagey guy.
      If you were back in those situations now, do you think you’d report them, or not?

  6. January 17, 2017 / 2:41 pm

    So sad to hear of your shocking experience..hope the doctor in question is removed from the practice.

    • von kita
      January 17, 2017 / 2:48 pm

      I really do too! It was such a shocker of an experience, especially at the hands of someone (a doctor) that you’ve been taught your whole life to give absolute trust too.